Skip to main content

Kevin Warren is Not a Tyrant. Now Stop Saying That Before He Punishes Us More

OPINION - There's a lot of talk going around Husker Nation lately that Kevin Warren is a tyrant who cancelled football season last year, covered up the conference vote, and attempted to skirt FOIA laws, but that's clearly just a crackpot conspiracy theory. Please knock if off before he decides us to punish us even more than he already has. I mean did you see that stat last year about Nebraska not getting holding calls? The man was clearly punishing us for raising such a ruckus last fall.

So why would we want to make that mistake again with all this "tyrant" talk? Do you even realize how powerful that man is and what he could possibly do to us? Maybe he'll even banish us from the Big Ten! Now of course that's not how it works according to the Big Ten by-laws, but we all saw him openly breaking those by-laws last year, particularly when it came to that conference vote that may or may not have happened. No doubt he has the unchecked power to banish us on a whim if he so pleases. 

Is that the sort of person you want to go around calling a tyrant?

No, Kevin Warren is clearly our unquestioned glorious leader and we should honor him as such. I mean look at his own personal shrine to himself! Look at all those personal achievements! I don't know if you paid attention in history class, but when's the last time you heard of a tyrant with a vanity problem? 

Exactly. It's practically unheard of.

Kevin Warren is clearly a great man and we should all just stop making trouble for the poor guy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle...
Post a Comment
Read more

Lil' Red in Concussion Protocol after Jumping on Head

Lincoln, NE - The Nebraska football team will be without it's beloved inflatable toddler as it opens fall camp next week. The (Faux)maha World-Herald has confirmed Lil' Red has entered concussion protocol after multiple incidents of bouncing on his own head with absolutely no protection or safety equipment. It's been a rough offseason for Lil' Red, who has just finished recovering from multiple stab wounds received from a sect of deranged fans who believe that "sacrificing" the mascot would "break the curse" on Nebraska football. Lil' Red is entering his 20th season of eligibility for the Huskers and was expected to contribute as the 2nd man in the mascot tandem-bike routine.  "It'll just be the next man up," Frost told reporters on Wednesday. Corn Cob Man is expected to go into fall camp as the starter. He hasn't seen game action for a few decades, but he's been "hungry" for his shot, he told reporters. "Sorr...
Post a Comment
Read more

To Break Nebraska Football Curse, Frank Solich to Sacrifice 'Lil Red at Halftime of Fordham Game

Lincoln, NE - After finding yet another Rock Bottom last week at Illinois, Nebraska football finds itself growing increasingly desperate to break the almost 2 decade curse that has befallen the program. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced this week that former Nebraska head coach Frank Solich would be returning to Memorial Stadium to perform a blood sacrifice of 'Lil Red while dressed as the original fan favorite "Blonde Herbie" during halftime of the Fordham game.  "We thank 'Lil Red and the unfortunate student scheduled to play him this Saturday for their long service to this university," said new UNL Athletic Director Trev Alberts in a statement released on Friday. "But these are desperate times and 'Lil Red was always kind of stupid anyway." The source of the curse remains unknown, but its existence has long centered around 3 popular fan theories: 1. The introduction of 'Lil Red as a mascot 2. The retirement of "Blonde Her...
Post a Comment
Read more