Skip to main content

To Break Nebraska Football Curse, Frank Solich to Sacrifice 'Lil Red at Halftime of Fordham Game

Lincoln, NE - After finding yet another Rock Bottom last week at Illinois, Nebraska football finds itself growing increasingly desperate to break the almost 2 decade curse that has befallen the program. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced this week that former Nebraska head coach Frank Solich would be returning to Memorial Stadium to perform a blood sacrifice of 'Lil Red while dressed as the original fan favorite "Blonde Herbie" during halftime of the Fordham game. 

"We thank 'Lil Red and the unfortunate student scheduled to play him this Saturday for their long service to this university," said new UNL Athletic Director Trev Alberts in a statement released on Friday. "But these are desperate times and 'Lil Red was always kind of stupid anyway."

The source of the curse remains unknown, but its existence has long centered around 3 popular fan theories:

1. The introduction of 'Lil Red as a mascot

2. The retirement of "Blonde Herbie" and the introduction of his replacement "Stupid Herbie No One Likes"

3. The firing of Frank Solich

UNL seems to be trying to cover all of its bases and addressing all 3 possible sources in one fell swoop. When asked if he really, truly believes in the curse, Alberts replied.

"I've been in my position here for one game. In that one game, we committed countless errors that never even crossed my mind as conceivably possible. Errors that I have literally never seen any team at any level commit." Alberts said. "It was enough to convince me that we have clearly upset some angry cosmic force in the universe who will only be satiated with buckets and buckets of blood."

When asked why Nebraska was waiting until halftime to break the curse, Alberts laughed.

"Come on guys, it's Fordham. I think we'll be fine for one more half. I mean, we've already hit rock bottom...right? Could you actually imagine us...oh...oh no...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

Children 12 and under will be allowed on the field during the blood sacrifice to bathe in the blood after reciting the "Drug Free Pledge."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle
Post a Comment
Read more

$5.8M in Brick Wall Related Damages Reported in Nebraska after Scott Frost Releases Hype Video

Lincoln, NE - The state of Nebraska is reeling Friday morning from devastation and destruction caused by a hype video released Thursday afternoon by Nebraska football head coach Scott Frost on Twitter, sending thousands of fans across the state sprinting straight through the nearest brick wall, severely threatening the structural integrity of countless buildings. pic.twitter.com/2BR8slArsW — Scott Frost (@coach_frost) June 20, 2019 "WHO YOU ARE SOME OF THE TIME IS WHO YOU ARE ALL OF THE TIME," screamed Hastings resident Derick Bachmeier as he plowed through the exterior wall of the local Russ' Market and straight into the produce section. Even residents as far as the Sand Hills found themselves caught up in the hype as Randy Grove, 64, drove over 45 minutes to find a brick wall to his liking with the specific intention of sprinting straight through it. "I mean sure there were some cavity brick walls nearby, as well as dry wall, wood paneling and all
Post a Comment
Read more