REPORT: Player's Entire Character Dependent on Whether He Flipped To Your School or Away From Your School

Fansville, USA - According to a groundbreaking new study conducted in a random Twitter user's head, a player's core character traits such as loyalty, integrity, class, and work ethic are determined by one simple factor: Whether that player is flipping his commitment away from your school or flipping his commitment to your school.

"I've been observing this data my entire life," says the man who last stepped foot on a football field in junior high, "and it's astonishing. The algorithm has been correct 100% of the time. There has never been a single deviation."

When asked what the difference between the two was, the man explained that players flipping to his school are human beings with complicated stories who are simply doing what is best for them.

"We as fans often don't know the full story, so it's important to be understanding and compassionate. Everyone deserves a second chance," he said. "On the other hand, any player flipping away from my school is an absolute son of a b**** who is soft, entitled, and has been pampered his entire life. He has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

The Twitter user, who has "follower of Christ" in his bio, said any player flipping away from his school deserves no forgiveness or compassion.

"I live my life as Christ has instructed me. I firmly believe in treating my neighbor as myself. Since these kids are no longer coming to my school - and thus will no longer be my neighbors - I say f*** them kids!"

Comments

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle...

Lil' Red in Concussion Protocol after Jumping on Head

Lincoln, NE - The Nebraska football team will be without it's beloved inflatable toddler as it opens fall camp next week. The (Faux)maha World-Herald has confirmed Lil' Red has entered concussion protocol after multiple incidents of bouncing on his own head with absolutely no protection or safety equipment. It's been a rough offseason for Lil' Red, who has just finished recovering from multiple stab wounds received from a sect of deranged fans who believe that "sacrificing" the mascot would "break the curse" on Nebraska football. Lil' Red is entering his 20th season of eligibility for the Huskers and was expected to contribute as the 2nd man in the mascot tandem-bike routine. "It'll just be the next man up," Frost told reporters on Wednesday. Corn Cob Man is expected to go into fall camp as the starter. He hasn't seen game action for a few decades, but he's been "hungry" for his shot, he told reporters. "Sorr...

Nebraska Fan Who Vowed in 2018 to Never Eat Wendy's Again Enjoys Juicy Baconator For Lunch in 2025

LINCOLN, NE - Local Nebraska fan Mark Meiwards, who declared on September 22nd, 2018, that he would never eat at Wendy's again after their official Twitter account made fun of Scott Frost, is currently enjoying a juicy baconator for lunch. Sources close to Meiwards claim the empty threat was forgotten within days and was promptly replaced by whatever other "stupid f&*#ing internet outrage of the week" came next. "I dunno, there was probably some Facebook story about the government using gay frogs to poison our water supply or something like that that occupied his attention next," said his son Chuck. "We went out for Frostys later that week." This isn't the first time Meiwards has forgotten a boycott soon after it began, according to Chuck. "He's tried boycotting Oreos, Bud Light, any movie starring Jim Carrey, the Shriners for some reason," said Chuck. "The longest he's ever made it was after the kneeling controversy i...

Tales from the Heart of Huskerland

Search This Blog