REPORT: Player's Entire Character Dependent on Whether He Flipped To Your School or Away From Your School

Fansville, USA - According to a groundbreaking new study conducted in a random Twitter user's head, a player's core character traits such as loyalty, integrity, class, and work ethic are determined by one simple factor: Whether that player is flipping his commitment away from your school or flipping his commitment to your school.

"I've been observing this data my entire life," says the man who last stepped foot on a football field in junior high, "and it's astonishing. The algorithm has been correct 100% of the time. There has never been a single deviation."

When asked what the difference between the two was, the man explained that players flipping to his school are human beings with complicated stories who are simply doing what is best for them.

"We as fans often don't know the full story, so it's important to be understanding and compassionate. Everyone deserves a second chance," he said. "On the other hand, any player flipping away from my school is an absolute son of a b**** who is soft, entitled, and has been pampered his entire life. He has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

The Twitter user, who has "follower of Christ" in his bio, said any player flipping away from his school deserves no forgiveness or compassion.

"I live my life as Christ has instructed me. I firmly believe in treating my neighbor as myself. Since these kids are no longer coming to my school - and thus will no longer be my neighbors - I say f*** them kids!"

Comments

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle...

To Break Nebraska Football Curse, Frank Solich to Sacrifice 'Lil Red at Halftime of Fordham Game

Lincoln, NE - After finding yet another Rock Bottom last week at Illinois, Nebraska football finds itself growing increasingly desperate to break the almost 2 decade curse that has befallen the program. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced this week that former Nebraska head coach Frank Solich would be returning to Memorial Stadium to perform a blood sacrifice of 'Lil Red while dressed as the original fan favorite "Blonde Herbie" during halftime of the Fordham game. "We thank 'Lil Red and the unfortunate student scheduled to play him this Saturday for their long service to this university," said new UNL Athletic Director Trev Alberts in a statement released on Friday. "But these are desperate times and 'Lil Red was always kind of stupid anyway." The source of the curse remains unknown, but its existence has long centered around 3 popular fan theories: 1. The introduction of 'Lil Red as a mascot 2. The retirement of "Blonde Her...

$5.8M in Brick Wall Related Damages Reported in Nebraska after Scott Frost Releases Hype Video

Lincoln, NE - The state of Nebraska is reeling Friday morning from devastation and destruction caused by a hype video released Thursday afternoon by Nebraska football head coach Scott Frost on Twitter, sending thousands of fans across the state sprinting straight through the nearest brick wall, severely threatening the structural integrity of countless buildings. pic.twitter.com/2BR8slArsW — Scott Frost (@coach_frost) June 20, 2019 "WHO YOU ARE SOME OF THE TIME IS WHO YOU ARE ALL OF THE TIME," screamed Hastings resident Derick Bachmeier as he plowed through the exterior wall of the local Russ' Market and straight into the produce section. Even residents as far as the Sand Hills found themselves caught up in the hype as Randy Grove, 64, drove over 45 minutes to find a brick wall to his liking with the specific intention of sprinting straight through it. "I mean sure there were some cavity brick walls nearby, as well as dry wall, wood paneling and all ...

Tales from the Heart of Huskerland

Search This Blog