Skip to main content

Report: Only Nebraska had Millennials on its Roster the Last 15 Years



Lincoln, NE - While it has long been speculated by many that the decline of Nebraska football was due to be a mixture of infighting among university higher ups, questionable coaching hires and a de-emphasis on things such as strength training and the walk-on program, a new report released Friday morning suggests the entire Millennial generation may be to blame. According to the bombshell report, only Nebraska and a few other programs such as Kansas, Illinois, Rutgers and Vanderbilt actually had any millennials on its roster over the last 15 years.

The report appears to be validation for some among the state's Baby Boomer and Gen X population who have vehemently sworn that the decline of one the NCAA's all time winning-est football programs to be at the hands of the lazy, whiny and entitled millennial generation.

"My son should have known better when accepting all those participation trophies I gave him," said Bobby Boomer (56) a resident of Ord. "If he'd smashed each one of them into the ground the moment I gave them to him like he should have, he'd obviously have walked-on and become a first team all-conference player."

"It's obvious that kids these days spend way too much time on their twitters and InstantGrams. They don't have any real lives outside of their devices," Boomer said as he fired off a series tweets to several 17 year old kids he'd never met in Florida and California who had just announced receiving Nebraska scholarship offers.

Millennial defenders have long maintained the theory of Millennials ruining Nebraska football is ridiculous, citing that the Nebraska football team was always taking the field against fellow Millennials.

According to the report, however, elite programs such as Alabama and Ohio State managed to avoid the millennial generation entirely by only playing cyrogenically frozen Baby Boomers and members of the Greatest Generation, such as two time national title winning Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron who was among the first to volunteer for the secret government experiment in 1945 upon his return home from Europe after personally scalping Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbels.

"It's been an honor and a privilege to serve my country in its time of need, but I know someday there will be a worthless, lazy generation and my beloved home state football program will come calling in need of real men," McCarron said at the time, throwing a piece of avocado toast offered to him on the ground and smashing it with his boot.

"Roll Tide!" he yelled as he ducked into the cryogenic chamber and watched the glass seal over him.

AJ McCarron moments after being cryogenically frozen in 1945.

Upon reading the report Beau Weston (54), a former Nebraska walk-on during the mid-80s, said perhaps Nebraska took in too many walk-ons during the glory years and should have kept some back to be frozen for future use.

"Back then Coach Osborne took in about 50-60 walk-ons a year, and of course most of them weren't cut out for Nebraska football, so they'd quit in about a year. In hindsight, we should have encouraged them to be frozen. I mean even the weakest of our generation have to be better than the best of those worthless Millennials," Weston said. "I mean who wouldn't ditch their family, friends and everyone they knew and held dear in exchange for the chance of one day wearing a Blackshirt?"

A look of concern grew on Weston's face as he chewed on his words for a bit. "I didn't mean to suggest that most of the walk-ons in my generation weren't cut out for Nebraska football, of course, I just...just..."

Weston then passed out and was quickly taken to the hospital for treatment. At press time Weston had been released and took himself home before heading back to the hospital a few hours later to begin his shift as a custodian, walking uphill in the snow both ways.








Comments

Popular posts from this blog

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle...

To Break Nebraska Football Curse, Frank Solich to Sacrifice 'Lil Red at Halftime of Fordham Game

Lincoln, NE - After finding yet another Rock Bottom last week at Illinois, Nebraska football finds itself growing increasingly desperate to break the almost 2 decade curse that has befallen the program. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced this week that former Nebraska head coach Frank Solich would be returning to Memorial Stadium to perform a blood sacrifice of 'Lil Red while dressed as the original fan favorite "Blonde Herbie" during halftime of the Fordham game.  "We thank 'Lil Red and the unfortunate student scheduled to play him this Saturday for their long service to this university," said new UNL Athletic Director Trev Alberts in a statement released on Friday. "But these are desperate times and 'Lil Red was always kind of stupid anyway." The source of the curse remains unknown, but its existence has long centered around 3 popular fan theories: 1. The introduction of 'Lil Red as a mascot 2. The retirement of "Blonde Her...

$5.8M in Brick Wall Related Damages Reported in Nebraska after Scott Frost Releases Hype Video

Lincoln, NE - The state of Nebraska is reeling Friday morning from devastation and destruction caused by a hype video released Thursday afternoon by Nebraska football head coach Scott Frost on Twitter, sending thousands of fans across the state sprinting straight through the nearest brick wall, severely threatening the structural integrity of countless buildings. pic.twitter.com/2BR8slArsW — Scott Frost (@coach_frost) June 20, 2019 "WHO YOU ARE SOME OF THE TIME IS WHO YOU ARE ALL OF THE TIME," screamed Hastings resident Derick Bachmeier as he plowed through the exterior wall of the local Russ' Market and straight into the produce section. Even residents as far as the Sand Hills found themselves caught up in the hype as Randy Grove, 64, drove over 45 minutes to find a brick wall to his liking with the specific intention of sprinting straight through it. "I mean sure there were some cavity brick walls nearby, as well as dry wall, wood paneling and all ...