Report: Only Nebraska had Millennials on its Roster the Last 15 Years

Lincoln, NE - While it has long been speculated by many that the decline of Nebraska football was due to be a mixture of infighting among university higher ups, questionable coaching hires and a de-emphasis on things such as strength training and the walk-on program, a new report released Friday morning suggests the entire Millennial generation may be to blame. According to the bombshell report, only Nebraska and a few other programs such as Kansas, Illinois, Rutgers and Vanderbilt actually had any millennials on its roster over the last 15 years.

The report appears to be validation for some among the state's Baby Boomer and Gen X population who have vehemently sworn that the decline of one the NCAA's all time winning-est football programs to be at the hands of the lazy, whiny and entitled millennial generation.

"My son should have known better when accepting all those participation trophies I gave him," said Bobby Boomer (56) a resident of Ord. "If he'd smashed each one of them into the ground the moment I gave them to him like he should have, he'd obviously have walked-on and become a first team all-conference player."

"It's obvious that kids these days spend way too much time on their twitters and InstantGrams. They don't have any real lives outside of their devices," Boomer said as he fired off a series tweets to several 17 year old kids he'd never met in Florida and California who had just announced receiving Nebraska scholarship offers.

Millennial defenders have long maintained the theory of Millennials ruining Nebraska football is ridiculous, citing that the Nebraska football team was always taking the field against fellow Millennials.

According to the report, however, elite programs such as Alabama and Ohio State managed to avoid the millennial generation entirely by only playing cyrogenically frozen Baby Boomers and members of the Greatest Generation, such as two time national title winning Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron who was among the first to volunteer for the secret government experiment in 1945 upon his return home from Europe after personally scalping Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbels.

"It's been an honor and a privilege to serve my country in its time of need, but I know someday there will be a worthless, lazy generation and my beloved home state football program will come calling in need of real men," McCarron said at the time, throwing a piece of avocado toast offered to him on the ground and smashing it with his boot.

"Roll Tide!" he yelled as he ducked into the cryogenic chamber and watched the glass seal over him.

AJ McCarron moments after being cryogenically frozen in 1945.

Upon reading the report Beau Weston (54), a former Nebraska walk-on during the mid-80s, said perhaps Nebraska took in too many walk-ons during the glory years and should have kept some back to be frozen for future use.

"Back then Coach Osborne took in about 50-60 walk-ons a year, and of course most of them weren't cut out for Nebraska football, so they'd quit in about a year. In hindsight, we should have encouraged them to be frozen. I mean even the weakest of our generation have to be better than the best of those worthless Millennials," Weston said. "I mean who wouldn't ditch their family, friends and everyone they knew and held dear in exchange for the chance of one day wearing a Blackshirt?"

A look of concern grew on Weston's face as he chewed on his words for a bit. "I didn't mean to suggest that most of the walk-ons in my generation weren't cut out for Nebraska football, of course, I just...just..."

Weston then passed out and was quickly taken to the hospital for treatment. At press time Weston had been released and took himself home before heading back to the hospital a few hours later to begin his shift as a custodian, walking uphill in the snow both ways.