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BREAKING: Nebraska Announces New Athletic Director (Satire)

LINCOLN- University of Nebraska President Hank Bounds and University of Nebraska-Lincoln Chancellor Ronnie Green announced the hiring of UNL's next director of athletics Thursday afternoon.

After an extensive 10 minute Facebook search through the comments of the Husker's official page, Bounds and Green pulled the trigger on Omaha resident Bruce Dirkland.

New UNL Athletic Director Bruce Dirkland
Dirkland (62) previously served as the manager of quality control at Factory Motor Parts. He's well known among Nebraska fans for his long-winded Facebook rants about how Nebraska football needs to develop a "winning culture" again.

"In the 90's Nebraska showed up to every game with the intention to win," Dirkland said. "We would line up and pound it down their throats every gosh darn play. I just don't understand why we don't do that anymore."

Dirkland is certainly an outside of the box hire, but president Bounds quickly assured fans he is the man ready to lead Nebraska into the future.

"When you read one of Bruce's eloquent Facebook comments, it becomes clear that his innate knowledge of who Nebraska should hire and fire is unparalleled," Bounds said. "He goes on and on for several paragraphs about how Nebraska should 'run the damn ball every play' and bring in 50-60 in-state walk-ons a year. He ends up kind of repeating himself after a while and I don't believe I've ever made it all the way through one of his posts, but this is definitely a man with a clear vision."

Dirkland's first order of business as athletic director was to fire Nebraska head coach Mike Riley, as well as the rest of the football staff, and appoint himself interim head coach.

"Let's make one thing clear right away. I'm here to fire everybody," Dirkland said. "Coaches, grad assistants, personal trainers, ball boys. Even that Der Viener Schlinger guy. Everybody."

When asked about Dirkland's qualifications to lead the Nebraska football team for the remainder of the 2017 season, chancellor Green chipped in "He knows the difference between a Cover 2 and a Cover 3 so he's clearly an Xs and Os prodigy who can also serve as an excellent resource for the next staff."

There were plenty of questions about who Dirkland would pursue for the vacant head coaching position. Dirkland told reporters "As long as they played here in the 80s or 90s it doesn't really matter."

Dirkland already has a plan in place on how to use the athletic department's resources to aid the next football staff in recruiting.

"I know a couple of 8-man kids in my hometown of Howells who could go toe-to-toe with these so called 4 and 5 stars out in California and Texas," Dirkland said.

At press time Dirkland could be heard on the phone with Oklahoma athletic director Joe Castiglione negotiating a reformation of the Big 8 conference.

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