Christine Brennan Calls Today "Darkest Day in Banking History" After Being Charged ATM Fee

Washington, DC - Standing visibly frustrated in front of an ATM, USA Today reporter Christine Brennan reared her head back and screamed into the sky, declaring today to be "the darkest day in banking history."

"A stunning and say day," Brennan began typing out her next column in her phone. "The vaunted Wells Fargo became just another greedy capitalist enterprise. It choked. It got scared. It sold it's soul for a $3 usage fee."

Other customers waiting behind her in line for the ATM were quick to point out that Wells Fargo literally just had a huge scandal in 2015 where they created millions of fraudulent accounts on behalf of their clients without their consent.

"It was a huge scandal. All over the news. You couldn't miss it," the man behind her said. "Don't you think you're being a tad hyperbolic?"

Several other people waiting in line were quick to jump in as well. "Even if you forgot about the Wells Fargo scandal, how can you say there hasn't been a worse scandal?" One woman asked. "This thing you're upset about isn't even a scandal! The 2008 mortgage crisis, the 1929 bank crash, JP Morgan and the 'London Whale' scheme, that time Bank of America worked an intern to death. Is this the first time you've heard of any of these? There's honestly too many real scandals to count."

Brennan was quick to pull out a large, white sheet that read "You're Blocked" from her purse, which she held up as a barrier between her and the long line of critics that had formed behind her. She then scurried off to her next appointment, an appearance on CNN to discuss the unfathomable scandal.

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To Break Nebraska Football Curse, Frank Solich to Sacrifice 'Lil Red at Halftime of Fordham Game

Lincoln, NE - After finding yet another Rock Bottom last week at Illinois, Nebraska football finds itself growing increasingly desperate to break the almost 2 decade curse that has befallen the program. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced this week that former Nebraska head coach Frank Solich would be returning to Memorial Stadium to perform a blood sacrifice of 'Lil Red while dressed as the original fan favorite "Blonde Herbie" during halftime of the Fordham game. "We thank 'Lil Red and the unfortunate student scheduled to play him this Saturday for their long service to this university," said new UNL Athletic Director Trev Alberts in a statement released on Friday. "But these are desperate times and 'Lil Red was always kind of stupid anyway." The source of the curse remains unknown, but its existence has long centered around 3 popular fan theories: 1. The introduction of 'Lil Red as a mascot 2. The retirement of "Blonde Her

BREAKTHROUGH: After Decades of 'N is for Knowledge,' World's Scientists Announce Creation of 2nd Nebraska Joke

After over four decades of milking the exact same joke about Nebraska football, the world's top scientists in every major field of research have come together to announce the creation of a 2nd joke. The original joke simply proclaims the 'N' on the side of Nebraska's football helmet stands for 'Knowledge.' They announced this breakthrough was the culmination of 10 years of collaborative research and over $250 billion spent. "Normally we'd spend that kind of time and resources on medical advances, technological breakthroughs, more efficient methods of engineering and manufacturing, but this joke had just gotten so stale. We eventually came to the conclusion that the best possible service we could do for society was to help them out of this rut," world-renowned quantum theorist Alain Aspect said. "I mean, come on! The joke doesn't even make sense. By the very structure of the joke, the joke teller is the one insisting the N stands for knowle

$5.8M in Brick Wall Related Damages Reported in Nebraska after Scott Frost Releases Hype Video

Lincoln, NE - The state of Nebraska is reeling Friday morning from devastation and destruction caused by a hype video released Thursday afternoon by Nebraska football head coach Scott Frost on Twitter, sending thousands of fans across the state sprinting straight through the nearest brick wall, severely threatening the structural integrity of countless buildings. pic.twitter.com/2BR8slArsW — Scott Frost (@coach_frost) June 20, 2019 "WHO YOU ARE SOME OF THE TIME IS WHO YOU ARE ALL OF THE TIME," screamed Hastings resident Derick Bachmeier as he plowed through the exterior wall of the local Russ' Market and straight into the produce section. Even residents as far as the Sand Hills found themselves caught up in the hype as Randy Grove, 64, drove over 45 minutes to find a brick wall to his liking with the specific intention of sprinting straight through it. "I mean sure there were some cavity brick walls nearby, as well as dry wall, wood paneling and all

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