Flat Earth Society Releases Statement Distancing Themselves from Unhinged Conspiracy Theorist Pat Forde

The Flat Earth Society released a statement early Wednesday morning distancing themselves from alleged sports journalist Pat Forde, referring to him as a "dangerous and unhinged conspiracy theorist" who has done irreparable damage to the reputation of other conspiracy theorists.

The statement reads:

"We understand how the world sees our theory, but at the end of the day everyone ridicules us and laughs. In turn we get attention we desperately crave and everyone goes home having a good time. With Mr. Forde, his theories are straight up dangerous, hurtful, and malicious. We've spoken to several of our members around the globe and we all arrived at the same conclusion. We cannot allow the fine pursuit of conspiracy theorism to be tainted by bad eggs like Pat Forde."

The statement comes in response to Pat Forde's most recent conspiracy theory on Tuesday that claims Iowa cut several sports from its athletic program and Nebraska furloughed several employees within its athletic department with the sole intent of "shifting blame to the (Big Ten) conference."

"I mean how does a functioning adult possibly think organizations taking a $100 million hit in revenue are furloughing employees or cutting programs just to stick it to someone else? Where are you getting that from?" Flat Earth Society spokesman Robert E. Stonewall said. "Can you imagine if Pat Forde had to look each of these athletes and furloughed employees in the eye and repeat that claim to their faces?"

Fellow Flat Earth Society member Alex Stephens later pointed out to Stonewall that Forde looked familiar.

"Well I'll be. You're right!" Stonewall said. "That's the yahoo who used to work for Yahoo who always showed up at our meetings mumbling incoherently about Nebraska and something called 'The Flea Kicker.' God, that guy was weird."

"He'd show up at all our potlucks empty handed, but would always leave with four or five foil wrapped plates of leftovers," Stephens agreed. "At least we know he was recycling the tinfoil."

At press time, members of The Flat Earth Society were ducking behind the couch and pretending not to be home as Pat Forde knocked on their windows holding up his latest conspiracy theory. The theory claimed Tom Osborne used mind powers to keep the ball up long enough for Matt Davidson to catch it in the famous Missouri vs. Nebraska game in 1997.

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