Tales from the Heart of Huskerland

One day this will all make a good story. I promise. The Big Ten will soon join in on a college football season that no living person had ever previously encountered. That's kind of cool in a super messed-up way, right? One day we'll be telling our children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren about that crazy season when Nebraska played a full season in an empty stadium surrounded by an army of lifeless, unmoving cardboard cutouts of grandma and dogs. Lots and lots of human-sized dogs. At the very least Northwestern players will get to tell their kids about that time they actually got to play home games with crowd noise, even if it was just artificially piped in. Isn't that worth something? I've found in my ancient life-experience of 26 years, the hard times, the weird times, and the unorthodox times are often the most interesting to look back on and tell stories about. Life's all about finding the silver lining. Strictly speaking football here, some of my favorit...

Washington, DC - Standing visibly frustrated in front of an ATM, USA Today reporter Christine Brennan reared her head back and screamed into the sky, declaring today to be "the darkest day in banking history." "A stunning and sad day," Brennan began typing out her next column in her phone. "The vaunted Wells Fargo became just another greedy capitalist enterprise. It choked. It got scared. It sold it's soul for a $3 usage fee." Other customers waiting behind her in line for the ATM were quick to point out that Wells Fargo literally just had a huge scandal in 2015 where they created millions of fraudulent accounts on behalf of their clients without their consent. "It was a huge scandal. All over the news. You couldn't miss it," the man behind her said. "Don't you think you're being a tad hyperbolic?" Several other people waiting in line were quick to jump in as well. "Even if you forgot about the Wells Fargo scandal, ...

 Lincoln, NE - After the Big Ten Conference's announcement reinstating a fall football season, the "Hot Mic" in Lincoln, Neb. that first broke the story has been named the nation's most accurate college football reporter by literally everyone. The proclamation comes after months of frustration stemming from professional national college football reporters continuously reporting false information in every way, shape, and form while hiding behind anonymous sources. The Hot Mic was able to gain an open interview with University of Nebraska President Ted Carter Tuesday morning in which Carter confirmed the Big Ten would announce their decision regarding a fall season later that night. Readers were impressed with Hot Mic's ability to cut to the chase, securing the quote in a little under 20 seconds. The official announcement actually came early Wednesday morning, causing some to question Hot Mic's accuracy, but it soon became apparent the official announcement was ...

The Flat Earth Society released a statement early Wednesday morning distancing themselves from alleged sports journalist Pat Forde, referring to him as a "dangerous and unhinged conspiracy theorist" who has done irreparable damage to the reputation of other conspiracy theorists.  The statement reads: "We understand how the world sees our theory, but at the end of the day everyone ridicules us and laughs. In turn we get attention we desperately crave and everyone goes home having a good time. With Mr. Forde, his theories are straight up dangerous, hurtful, and malicious. We've spoken to several of our members around the globe and we all arrived at the same conclusion. We cannot allow the fine pursuit of conspiracy theorism to be tainted by bad eggs like Pat Forde." The statement comes in response to Pat Forde's most recent conspiracy theory on Tuesday that claims Iowa cut several sports from its athletic program and Nebraska furloughed several employees withi...

Yeah, this never happened. Obviously. Starting or spreading a rumor has never, ever improved a situation or benefited anyone. What makes you think this time is any different? Grow up.

It's just a game. I always detested that phrase. Imprudently shoved in your face by a bewildered family member or someone else close to you who just doesn't get this whole Nebraska football obsession or why it's cause for so much agony and vitriol. I hated that phrase because there's some truth to it. But also because it's horribly wrong. Completely and totally 100 percent false. This phrase frustrated me endlessly and I didn't quite know how to explain why. It is just a game. That is technically true. But Nebraska fandom is a far cry from a game of checkers. A simple game does not foster such a large, organic community of people that share such a powerful common interest. A common interest that instantly makes friends out of strangers and breaks down barriers. Sports fandom is the only thing I've ever encountered in my entire life that gets Republicans and Democrats to actually get along for a few hours. And some think it's just a game. A g...

Sometime in the 2030s...  "Dad, tell me again about the Hy-Vee Heroes Trophy!" "Well son. Once upon a time Hy-Vee's marketing team decided they wanted to..." BOORRRRRRRINNNNG.  Way to take all the fun out of a rivalry trophy. Trophies that only exist for the sole purpose of being fun. The $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy is the only real rivalry trophy Nebraska is playing for this season as far as I'm concerned. That's not a declaration of who Nebraska's rivals are, but a critique of the actual trophies themselves. The $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy is the only one that's actually fun. The only one that has a story behind it worth telling. Not only does it have a great origin story, the bizarre nature of it demands its telling every time someone new hears about it. What a freaking crazy concept for a rivalry trophy, right? And don't get me wrong. I appreciate the gesture of the Heroes Trophy to honor heroes from both Iowa and N...