Tales from the Heart of Huskerland

Twitter, USA - A college football fan with absolutely no self-awareness declared there was nothing else to do in the state of Nebraska after seeing that many Nebraskans like college football. "Theirs nothing else too do their lol," read the fan's grammatical train-wreck of a response to a tweet showing Nebraska's Memorial Stadium full on a Fall Saturday. When reached for comment, the college football fan, whose profile picture is a selfie of him at a college football game, elaborated on why he thinks people who go to college football games clearly have nothing else going on in their lives. "I mean why would anyone want to spend their Saturday watching college football? I guess when it's a choice between that or staring at corn, I'd choose to watch college football too," said the man who consistently chooses to watch college football over the much more interesting things he apparently has to do around him. Despite the massive evidence to the contrary,...

Chicago, IL - In response to questions about when the schedule would drop for the upcoming Big Ten baseball season, commissioner Kevin Warren assured reporters that a schedule would be arriving soon in March 2023.  "This conference is dedicated to efficiency, transparency, and doing right by our student athletes." Kevin Warren said via his Zoom press conference before being interrupted by the off-screen laughter of his staff. "I'm proud of the effort this conference has made in allowing our non-revenue generating student athletes a chance to even compete at all." Warren continued, adding that they should be groveling at his feet and thanking him for getting anything at all. Reporters from the Athletic were quick to agree with Warren. "It's ridiculous to even think conducting a season would even be on a sports conference's top 10 list of priorities," Nicole Auerbach, covering college baseball for some reason, tweeted in a thread shortly after th...

Northwestern is the only Big Ten team to gain an advantage by playing without fans. It's a B1G conspiracy I tells ya!  If the Pat Forde's, Dan Wolken's, and Nicole Auerbach's can crank out dangerous, desperate, and unhinged click-bait conspiracy, SO CAN I! For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. It's a law of the universe or something and as a sports journalist I like to reference laws, theories, and principles I hardly understand. Yes, so back to the barely coherent point at hand. Northwestern. By not allowing fans, the Big Ten is showing blatant favoritism for its hometown team, the church "choir boys" of the conference. It's a well-known fact that Northwestern never plays in front of a home crowd. They either play in front of a hostile road crowd or a smaller hostile road crowd in their own stadium. Whenever Nebraska, and many other Big Ten teams, play at Northwestern, the home team has to go to a silent count.  It's very clear...

One day this will all make a good story. I promise. The Big Ten will soon join in on a college football season that no living person had ever previously encountered. That's kind of cool in a super messed-up way, right? One day we'll be telling our children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren about that crazy season when Nebraska played a full season in an empty stadium surrounded by an army of lifeless, unmoving cardboard cutouts of grandma and dogs. Lots and lots of human-sized dogs. At the very least Northwestern players will get to tell their kids about that time they actually got to play home games with crowd noise, even if it was just artificially piped in. Isn't that worth something? I've found in my ancient life-experience of 26 years, the hard times, the weird times, and the unorthodox times are often the most interesting to look back on and tell stories about. Life's all about finding the silver lining. Strictly speaking football here, some of my favorit...

Washington, DC - Standing visibly frustrated in front of an ATM, USA Today reporter Christine Brennan reared her head back and screamed into the sky, declaring today to be "the darkest day in banking history." "A stunning and sad day," Brennan began typing out her next column in her phone. "The vaunted Wells Fargo became just another greedy capitalist enterprise. It choked. It got scared. It sold it's soul for a $3 usage fee." Other customers waiting behind her in line for the ATM were quick to point out that Wells Fargo literally just had a huge scandal in 2015 where they created millions of fraudulent accounts on behalf of their clients without their consent. "It was a huge scandal. All over the news. You couldn't miss it," the man behind her said. "Don't you think you're being a tad hyperbolic?" Several other people waiting in line were quick to jump in as well. "Even if you forgot about the Wells Fargo scandal, ...

 Lincoln, NE - After the Big Ten Conference's announcement reinstating a fall football season, the "Hot Mic" in Lincoln, Neb. that first broke the story has been named the nation's most accurate college football reporter by literally everyone. The proclamation comes after months of frustration stemming from professional national college football reporters continuously reporting false information in every way, shape, and form while hiding behind anonymous sources. The Hot Mic was able to gain an open interview with University of Nebraska President Ted Carter Tuesday morning in which Carter confirmed the Big Ten would announce their decision regarding a fall season later that night. Readers were impressed with Hot Mic's ability to cut to the chase, securing the quote in a little under 20 seconds. The official announcement actually came early Wednesday morning, causing some to question Hot Mic's accuracy, but it soon became apparent the official announcement was ...

The Flat Earth Society released a statement early Wednesday morning distancing themselves from alleged sports journalist Pat Forde, referring to him as a "dangerous and unhinged conspiracy theorist" who has done irreparable damage to the reputation of other conspiracy theorists.  The statement reads: "We understand how the world sees our theory, but at the end of the day everyone ridicules us and laughs. In turn we get attention we desperately crave and everyone goes home having a good time. With Mr. Forde, his theories are straight up dangerous, hurtful, and malicious. We've spoken to several of our members around the globe and we all arrived at the same conclusion. We cannot allow the fine pursuit of conspiracy theorism to be tainted by bad eggs like Pat Forde." The statement comes in response to Pat Forde's most recent conspiracy theory on Tuesday that claims Iowa cut several sports from its athletic program and Nebraska furloughed several employees withi...